Category Archives: Why The Monster Does(n’t) Eat…
WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T DRINK COFFEE…
The Monster has never had a cup of coffee. Not once. No Turkish coffee or lattes or macchiatos or straight black. Never. Starbucks is lost on The Monster. He doesn’t take a coffee break at work. When meeting someone for … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T DRINK MILK
Never has The Monster remembered liking milk. A glass of milk has not once been poured for his enjoyment. A bowl of cereal never polluted by its presence. A cookie nary proffered to be dipped in its ineffable whiteness. And … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOES(N’T) EAT CHEESE…
Life’s great sources of debate. Religion. Politics. Sports. Fashion. The Monster’s eating habits. They are endlessly causing rifts in the fabric of humanity and our desire to live freely and peacefully amongst each other. The Monster will readily admit his eating preferences don’t … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT EGGS…
We grow out of certain things. Our favorite outfit as a child (lime green sweater with orange and white horizontal stripes coupled with beige, pleated pants). The phase where we absolutely knew a ponytail made us infinitely cool (quite wrong … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT MUSHROOMS…
The Monster does not eat mushrooms. The Monster has never eaten mushrooms (well, there was college…). According to Wikipedia (the source for everything) mushrooms are the “fleshy, spore-bearing fruiting body of a fungus.” Reason alone The Monster believes not to … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T DRINK SODA…
The Monster doesn’t drink soda (or pop if like him you are from the Midwest). No Coke, no Pepsi, no 7-Up or Slice or Fanta or Mountain Dew or Mr. Pibb or Fresca or Dr. Pepper or Tab (if Tab … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER EATS SALAD…
Why The Monster eats salad has everything to do with a goat penis. The Monster was living in Kingston, Jamaica working for the Jamaican Human Rights Council while taking classes at the University of Technology. At the time, Kingston was … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT OLIVES…
Olives are disgusting tasting balls of pungent awfulness The Monster does not, will not, shall not eat. They are an ancient fruit (not vegetable as so commonly and incorrectly labeled) that prove humans don’t possess much common sense. In their … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT FROZEN YOGURT…
The Monster hates frozen yogurt. And the reason The Monster hates frozen yogurt is because of Mama Monster and Mrs. Monster (at this point The Monster would like to make clear he does however love both dearly). Mind you, The … Continue reading
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WHY THE MONSTER DOESN’T EAT MEAT…
Around the age of fourteen The Monster began to dabble in things he probably shouldn’t have. But if you lived in Ohio you would have too. When Papa and Mama Monster caught on they did what any sensible parents would … Continue reading
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